He Needs Your Help!

At the end of my non-biodegradable rope with various quarters' distaste for my shaky consumer ethics, I hereby vow to scrub my act cleaner than the exhaust from Ed Begley Jr.'s electric car -- and I'm turning to you, esteemed readers of this high quality web publication, for support. When it comes to making morally sound product choices, you, dear reader, can "do good" by helping me do better.

Let's start with essentials. Food, for instance. Fed up with Damian contributing to the destruction of what little is left of the Argentinean pampas through his consumption of hormone-laden burger chain beef? For only $35.00 a month, you can ensure that Damian only chows down on free-range meats raised by gentleman farmers in picturesque, rural Vermont.

Not a carnivore? A paltry $20.00 guarantees Damian's eschewing of vegetables grown with conventional oil-based fertilizers in favor of organics. Too rich for your blood? A lousy $10.00 a month can ensure Damian purchases only Fair Trade coffee. No more abetting the ripping off of exploited Colombian coffee-picking teens for Damian.

Still beyond your means? Even the most parsimonious or skint can contribute. A pay-pal donation of just $12.00 every three months and you can rest assured that Damian's short, dark hair will be washed only with cruelty-free organic shampoo and not the shit from the dollar store he's been buying.

Damian's needs also include energy efficient appliances. His thirteen-year-old refrigerator in particular is hogging much more than its share of power from the East Coast's fragile, outdated grid. While Damian would consider trading up to gently-used models, the improvements garnered through such half-measures would be incremental at best. True, state-of-the-art ethics really require Damian enjoy the energy savings of new durable goods.

A special additional appeal: For years now -- more than he's willing to admit, really -- Damian has been listening to a publicly-supported radio station for several hours daily without forking over one dime toward membership. Contributions, in this limited circumstance, should be mailed (in Damian's name, of course) directly to Pittsburgh's WDUQ -- while Damian's newly discovered ethics are, in fact, real, there is a rumor his electric bill is also overdue. Why force Damian to flirt with temptation when his new ethics of consumption are small, fragile things that could easily crumple in a strong fiscal wind?

And for the folks out there truly committed to correcting the inequities on Damian's karmic balance sheet, there exists a special one time giving opportunity: a donation of a mere $22,459 would allow Damian to trade in his aging, fossil fuel guzzling Isuzu Trooper on a new Toyota hybrid. Isn't there one person out there willing to forego a mere 5,614 grande soy lattes to see Damian stop jamming his thick, carbon-stained fingers straight into the cornflower blue eyes of Mother Earth and starting getting forty-eight ecologically sound miles per electricity-supplemented gallon?

Remember, without the efforts of good people like you, it would be all too easy for Damian, victim of rampant self-interest that he is, to backslide into the morass of his selfish and unsustainable ways. So, reach for those checkbooks and say it with me now: "Only we can help Damian help himself!"